The sex talk...

1987, my mom was getting married to my friend's uncle whom she met through me (unfortunately). I was excited that my mom was getting married because, finally, I was going to have a dad... or so I thought... but that will be another story.

Because my mom was getting married, she thought she should sit me down, 3rd grade, age 8, and tell me the truth about sex and where babies come from (not the stork).

So, there we were, sitting in my bedroom in our nasty, roach infested, welfare funded, gas leaking, poop brown apartments on Greenback in Citrus Heights (they're still there... they refaced them). I am not entirely sure how we got our hands on my bed (probably dumpster diving--gross!), but it was big, probably a queen or a king (huge to an 8 year old) and consumed the majority of my room.

We sat, legs extended, right next to each other. It was like an after school special. Remember those? My mom, pretending to be a good parent, her arm around my shoulder. Me, snuggled up against her side.

"I want to talk to you about sex and where babies come from."

"Okay."

"Well, first, when a girl has sex for the first time, the guy pops her cherry."

***SCREECH*** Are you freakin' kidding me? Do you really say this to your 8 year old daughter? Second, there is no body part called a cherry. Really? No, really? Are you seriously a 29 year old woman telling an 8 year old child that when she has sex for the first time some guy is going to pop her cherry? By the way, cherries were my favorite fruit!

"Does it hurt?"

"Well, it can. But really, having sex feels really good. Really good. You will really enjoy it. I really enjoy it. All of us really like having sex." (By all of us, she was speaking of the women in my family).

***WHOA*** Again, are you trying to tell your 8 year old daughter she should be having sex? Because now, it sounds very enticing... Like a lot of fun... something everyone should be doing.

"Okay. Well, how does a baby get in there?"

"Well, when the boy put his private into the girl's private, he shoots these things out that look like tadpoles and they go into the egg that the girl has inside her."

"How does the baby come out?"

"The girl pushes it out from her private, down where she goes pee."

From this point forward, I thought if I got pregnant, if I went potty the baby was going to fall out into the toilet. I was scared and thought it was gross.

I know, it's sad--and this is only an excerpt. I wasn't ready for the sex talk--not even close! The worst part is, I don't think she knew any better. I really think she thought she was doing her duty as a parent. I guess I will give that to her--she tried to give me the sex talk--when so many parents just don't talk about it at all.

Lesson: When you talk to your kids about sex, try it from a more clinical approach. Telling them how fun it is makes them want to try it!